I can’t get that song out of my head. We heard it on the radio twice before coming home.
I tried wearing my glasses today, but my eyes hurt after only a few minutes. I’m used to my contacts but for some reason, they were sore to put on this morning. Its three in the morning and we’re watching Fox News while eating cheese nachos. Right now, I’m on my laptop while he’s downstairs in his man cave with the tv on. Its rare to watch him watching to tube. I think I will take a Flexoril for my back. Its starting to hurt. Eyes sore and back hurts. I am just the walking wounded this morning.
Sometimes I feel myself falling apart and I can’t hold it together. I need to get out of this slump and I hate taking antidepressants cos they made me feel unnaturally high. I don’t know. I am just an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and I have no control over myself. I am giving myself two weeks for some sort of recovery.
I did not dd much after coming home from work except take a shower and laid on the bed. I’m usually in “thinking mode” as soon as I hit the bed in my nakedness. There, I stare at the ceiling as the cool air from the air conditioning covers me like a satin blanket. I thought of my life and how it went out of control the last few weeks. I need to get a hold of this depression that just seems to overwhelm me. I want to do something about it, but I don’t really know what to do. I find myself wallowing in a type of emotional quicksand.
I have lost a lot of weight, maybe for the better. And its mostly due from the heavy lifting and moving things around the work site. The work I do now is vastly different from the one I did, but farming has helped prepare me for landscaping. Much of it the same, yet not the same. I have to admit though, my whole outlook on life has changed. Up to the week of the fourteenth, I could not see past my own face, but I was pulled out of that god-forsaken place by my one true love. I am so grateful. No words can express the feelings I have for him. No words can describe the oceans of emotion I’m awashed with.
I don’t have anymore to say as its getting too hard to type. I’ll stop here for now.
I’ve been driving like an old blind lady. I no longer have the need for speed like I did before everything went to crap. So I just drive slow. That and the cops here in Reno are like vultures looking for the next unsuspecting victim. Sometimes I get paranoid that one of them is hiding in between parked cars and will all of a sudden pop out and write me a ticket for speeding, or going under the speed limit. Sometimes, I get really nervous to drive. I still have to work on my problems with depression; one day at a time.
Just had a lot of idle time and that’s bad. I don’t have anything more to say about that.
I like this image for some reason. Maybe its her face tattoo that I’m attracted to. The image is from the movie, “Doomsday”.
Today was a good day, rather afternoon. I stopped worrying so much about what I had to do and started to think about the things that were most important.
My whole body hurts from weed whacking, hoeing, and getting the produce ready for the orders. I don’t have anything else to say. I’m just hurting all over. 
I really do. I spread like wild fire in a dry forest. I was noticing how on one side of the kitchen table that all the organizers with beads and jewelry in them are on stacked there, and the rest 3/4 of the table has my books and junk spilled out of my backpack. Homework, books, and miscellaneous pens, coins, change, and laptop accessories. “You spread like a virus”, that’s what the boyfriend says.
We saw each other briefly tonight. He came to get some keys, rummaged in the refrigerator for something to drink, kissed me and slapped me on my ass and was off again. He tells me where he is so I won’t have to worry. Not that I do, but I sometimes get uneasy not knowing where he is and whether or not I’m alone. I mean, I like being alone but I don’t want to be left alone. Like if he’s just up and left me here by myself. Maybe I’m just a little bit insecure. I don’t know. If I think too hard about it, I’ll confuse myself.
